What I does every day

Due to popular demand, I am going to give you all a little insight into my average daily routine. Obviously, the time specified for each event is the calculated average over the last 213 days, 17 hours 23 minutes, +- 30 seconds, with a standard deviation of approximately 18 minutes. The particular events described at each time are representative of the events recorded and measured to occur on more than 55% of occasions.

12:05 AM: I stumble my way back inside my hut to sleep inside. My motivations for doing such are two-fold. First, the temperature inside the hut has descended below 78 degrees Fahrenheit, which is the approximate upper bound for my sustaining REM sleep. Second, the number of mosquito bites I have accumulated directly on my ass cheek has exceeded the maximum allowable for attaining desired REM sleep status.

5:20 AM: ERR-eh-ERR-eh-ERRR!!!!

7:37 AM: I take my first peek at the clock on my phone and begin to consider waking up.

7:53 AM: I actually wake-up. 87% of the time this event is directly caused by the uncontrollable urge to make a large deposit in the pit latrine.

7:57 AM: Phew!!!

8:20 AM: Daasaamo. What does Junkung eat for breakfast? Survey says:

Butter, Salt, and pepper w/Grits
Butter, Sugar, and Vanilla Protein powder w/Oatmeal
Nescrape (TM)
Roadside Omelette Sandwich (2 eggs, full bread, mayonnaise, and Jumbo seasoning (TM))
Jikando - 2 parts Sweetened condensed milk, 1 part hot water, and a pinch of Nescafe.
Something else (Mangos in about 1.5 months :-) )

8:53 AM: Time to leave my hut to try change the world. However, I must greet the family first.

9:10 AM: After a nice, dusty ride across town, in which I am greeted by no less than 53.4 people, I arrive at one of the following organizations: AFPRC General Hospital, Farafenni Upper Basic School, Anglican Mission Institute, or Farafenni Community Center. The time of my arrival coincides with the time at which I believe the electricity will actually come on.

10:30 AM: Let there be light. The official schedule for power is from 9 AM - 3 PM and again from 6 PM - 1 AM. However, the average time at which it actually comes on is much later due to one or more of the following factors:

The power station is out of fuel
Somebody forgot to pay the bill
A football game is being played on TV after 3 PM
Somebody important wanted to have power all night long the previous night
Somebody tripped a breaker, but everyone assumed that factors 1-4 occurred instead

10:31 AM: Daasaamo. Second breakfast. Mburro ning sosoo aning tea. (Bean sandwich and tea)

10:45 AM - 3:00 PM: My work day currently consists of, in no particular order, removing computer viruses, chatting, showing people how to use the help menu in MS Office, reformatting computers that have been deemed to have the equivalent of Swine Flu, turning down requests for American Visas, convincing middle school kids that there are other sports than football (i.e. Ultimate), formal computer training, and being in awe of how good Gambians are at Solitaire; All while listening to the same 20 song playlist of Jaliba and Yousa Ndagga songs.

3:15 PM: I arrive home, and it's hot as balls outside. Tiloo kandita. I am escorted by junior members of family to my hut and I spend the next 12 minutes and 32 seconds changing shirts, rehydrating, and shooing the kids out of my hut.

3:27 PM: Kontongo is delivered to my door, since I am too late to properly eat with the family. Lunch is usually one of the following:

Rice with sauce
Rice with a different sauce
Rice with another sauce
Rice with some other type of sauce

3:45 PM: After fending off multiple bids by my host mother #1, Kenneh, to eat more, I sit and chat and/or read a book. In the Gambia, the word 'chat] has a slightly more specific meaning, as it implies that the brewing and drinking of attaya will be performed under some large source of shade, most likely a mango tree.

5:15 PM: piddle-farting

6:00 PM: One can only piddle-fart around for so long, so I train in my backyard every other day. My routine varies.... lots of wicked yoga moves I learned from a book I found at the PC office, mixed in with 50 - 125 pushups and 30 - 45 pullups. What else have I got to do?

7:11 PM: Time for a bucket bath, drawn from the well. Ahhhh.....

7:25 PM: I either read more or play my recorder, depending on my mood. If I'm in an amiable sort of mood I'll do the latter, since it tends to attract an audience. Sometimes the audience becomes so inspired by the performance, that they pick up harmonicas I have lying around and a 'jam session' ensues. Complete cacophony.

8:32 PM: Siimango, which is the same as Kontongo, with the following possible addition: coos

8:45 PM: With the radio tuned to Paradise FM, where 'It's nice to be nice.', I lie around on the big mat outside and either read, eavesdrop on the family's conversation, or do absolutely nothing until REM sleep has been interrupted, or the mosquitos have gotten an early start on my ass.

9:54 PM: I proceed to either my backyard to sleep, or possibly, if the conditions specified at time t = 12:05 AM above are met, inside my hut.

That, my friends, is a completely average day for Junkung.

-- Blessed Kumpawura James Junkung Jammeh Camara Ceesay, Father of the President